As soon as Turner turned 1 we decided to try adopting again. If one child could bring us joy - then what joy we could have with TWO! We did all that was necessary to move forward and 18 months later, ON MY BIRTHDAY, we got a call that we had been chosen by a birth mother in Amarillo, Texas. We felt that the fact that we had been chosen on my birthday must be the hand of God assuring us that this was meant to be. The next day we talked on the phone with our birth mother, Brandy. All seemed well and we felt from our initial conversation that things would work out.
As time progressed however, and we talked more with her something didn't quite feel right. I prayed tirelessly that I would feel at peace with this adoption but peace did not come. I went weeks with waking up in the middle of the night thinking about the adoption and not being able to go back to sleep. One night as I tried to calm my mind I heard a still small voice say in my mind "this adoption is not going to happen." I remember feeling totally distraught. What was I supposed to do with that information? The next day I still felt those feelings and I started to tell myself that it was just me. It was just my own thoughts. It was just my own fears of losing another adoption. It was my negativity coming out. It was my own past experiences projecting onto this experience. I told myself all these things but I couldn't shake the feeling I had in the depths of my heart. So I called and talked to our adoption facilitator about some of the thoughts and feelings I was having. I called our social worker who was working with Brandy in Texas and talked to her about the thoughts and feelings I was having and wondered if when she met with Brandy if she had too thought maybe there was something off. Both confirmed what I had rationalized to myself - It was just me being paranoid because I had lost two adoptions before.....so I was projecting onto this adoption and I needed to just relax and let it happen. I needed to "stop being negative."
Brandon and I scheduled a visit to go meet Brandy in person. We met her at the beginning of November and her due date was at the beginning of January. The visit went well at first but as the trip wrapped up neither one of us could sleep. The last night of our visit we both tossed and turned and talked all night about how bad this mother's situation was and how bad of a situation this baby would be born into - yet I couldn't shake the feeling that we were being used. That something wasn't right.
As an adoptive parent you are in a hard place. You are in a place where if you don't move forward you may have just lost an opportunity to bring a baby to your family before really truly knowing if it is going to work out or not. You are placing all of your trust and hopes and dreams in the hands of a birth mom because she is the ONLY PATH to bringing home your baby. So if you walk away - you may have just walked away from your baby. Knowing this - I knew that even if I was having these negative feelings I needed to move forward because I needed to be able to say that we tried. That we did all that we could. That in the end, if it didn't work out, at least we can say for surety that it wasn't because we didn't put ourselves out there.
So we moved forward and instead of praying to know if it was or wasn't going to work out (because I already knew in my heart - though I wouldn't admit it at the time) I started to pray for peace. Peace that I could move forward knowing that if it did or did not happen that I would know that God has a plan for our family. That we were in his hands. God answered our prayers. He gave us the peace. He gave us the assurance that we needed through little miracles and tender mercies along the way EVEN THOUGH He told me from the start that it wasn't going to happen. Even though He warned me. That how much He loves each and every single one of us - He love us and guide us and strengthen us when He knows we are walking right into heartbreak.
And that we did. I put myself way out there and tried to do everything this birth mother asked of us. We broke our own "adoption rules" that we have in place for ourselves like:
1. Don't decorate the nursery - she wanted to see pictures so we did it. We wanted her to know that if that was important to her and that made her feel trusted that we would do that.
2. Don't buy clothes - Black Friday rolled around and I went crazy with girl clothes and baby slings and decorations. I just couldn't help myself - I wanted to feel excited. I wanted to feel an ounce of what a "normal mother" feels when she is expecting. Our birth mother also wanted to see the cute things I was buying and she wanted to feel my excitement to bring this baby home - and this seemed like a tangible way to do it.
3. Don't Nest - don't get excited!! Don't prep your house - I did both of those things. I got excited because I started to forget the warnings and started to really think - "you were just projecting. This could happen." And I nested like a crazy person. I scrubbed every inch of my house (I even washed the walls and baseboards mom!! **she would have been proud**) hoping that maybe if I got it clean enough and scrubbed hard enough that feeling in my heart would go away and this adoption would happen!
So when the crud hit the fan and everything fell apart I felt SO STUPID! How could I let myself do/feel all those things knowing in my heart that it wouldn't work out. Well hindsight is 20/20 and we are human and we make mistakes. What's nice is that I didn't feel like God ever left me or ever said "I told you so." All I felt was His love and care and His outstretched arms saying, "Come here my daughter. I love you and I am sorry you're hurting. I have a plan. Trust me."
We hold no hard feelings for Brandy. I can't imagine being in her shoes and loving my child so much but handing them over to someone else. We love her for trying. We hope that she has a greater love and appreciation for her daughters because of her experience with us. We know that God does have a plan and we do know that AT LEAST one more child is meant for our family. So that is why we blog and that is why we want to get our story out. So that we can find our next family member! God has a plan - and we want to do all we can to put it into motion!!
We did leave Texas with bigger hearts and hats! :)
ONE MORE MAKES FOUR!
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