Adoption Is Our Option
So we have been at this now for two years and have had two failed placements during that time. As far as we know, we don’t have anyone looking at us. This isn’t a new process for our family. We have a son who we adopted in 2014 after two very heart wrenching failed placements, so we know the “adoption game” and we definitely aren’t new to heart break when it comes to being able to have a family.
We get asked a lot “Why don’t you guys just go through foster care?” We hear a lot of stories like “So and so went through foster care and they adopted 6 babies in 5 weeks” or other crazy, miraculous stories of foster care triumph. We put a lot of thought and consideration into what path we should take for our family. With Foster Care there were considerable risks that seemed too daunting to us as well as other reasons why we have not taken the Foster Care route thus far. Ultimately though, it comes down to prayer. We studied out our options, prayed about all options, and then we moved forward with what we thought was going to be best for our family and what the answer to our prayers was. With that being said, adopting is still very hard and there is a lot to navigate even for the most experienced adoptive family.
Adoption Is Hard For More Than Just The Obvious Reasons
When it comes to adoption there are some definite hurdles that make it seem like finding your child is like climbing Mt. Everest - a never ending climb; but when you reach the top there are breathtaking views.
1. First You Have Your Home Study
The first step in becoming an adoptive parent is getting a “home study”. The requirements to “certify” can vary but all have some basic tenants such as: home safety requirements, background checks, CPR/First Aid certification, verification of employment and health insurance, and child development/adoption education courses, etc. All things I understand are good and in the best interest of the child but it is mounds of paperwork and time and can definitely slow down your journey - which doesn’t seem like a big deal except as adoptive parents - finding your baby can be all mind/life consuming. So you just want that part behind you already.
Fees for certification can also vary widely depending on how fast you want your home study done. We have seen fees from $1500 all the way up to $3000. This may not seem like much, but it all adds up and there are even risks depending on which agency you use for this. The agency we used for our Home Study filed Bankruptcy. Luckily the state of California is allowing us to continue to use it until our year is up (Home studies have to be updated annually by law) and so come October, we will be starting our home study process all over again.
2. Finding your Birth Mom
The second “climb” is finding a birth mom - there are so few birth moms and so many adoptive couples! According to the National Adoption Center, which does the largest amount (if not all) the research on adoption in America, found that in 2014 there were approximately 70,000 children placed for adoption (outside of a relative) while the number of couples waiting to adopt at any given time in the United States is about 2 MILLION! That equates to about 45 couples waiting PER CHILD that is going to be adopted. Those numbers are gut-wrenching to couples likes us hoping to adopt.
Some adoptive couples seek out agencies with really high placement rates but they typically cost upwards of 40K+ and usually that doesn’t even include “Birth Mother Expenses” which includes assisting with her bills (rent, cell phone, electricity, water, food, etc.) buying maternity clothes, and any other expenses that make her life more comfortable during her pregnancy.
A secondary route - which is what we have done - is to hire an “Adoption Facilitator.” This persons job is to handle all of our marketing to ultimately find us an expectant mother who is planning on placing her child for adoption. Facilitators are typically paid up front (before they’ve done their job) and fees vary from 15K to 20K which is a HUGE cost. However, at least it isn’t in the 40K range.
With our adoption facilitator, they are contracted to represent us until we adopt a baby (found through the facilitator’s efforts). We signed with her because she was hailed as one of the best in the state of California, with a typical wait time of 12-18 months for a family that already has children in the home. She only takes 26 to 30 families at any given time to make sure she is able to give a lot of individualized attention to each family.
That being said 0.5% of all births in the U.S. end in adoption so even with an amazing, experienced facilitator the odds of reaching the pinnacle are still not in our favor, not only because there are so few babies available for adoption, but because the adoption industry can be REALLY CORRUPT.
3. The Adoption Industry is Filled With Corruption and Risk
That heading may sound out of bounds but when you have experienced what we have experienced there really isn’t a nice or pleasant way to put it. Adoption is a business, and I get that. People have to make money to support their families but it seems to be OUT OF CONTROL in the adoption industry.
But hey! Let’s talk business.
Adoption functions by supply and demand. This was proven to us when we were calling agencies and I had “Joe” from an agency tell me “If you want a black baby it will cost you $15k to $20k and you could probably have one in a month. If you want a mixed baby you’re looking at $30k and it taking maybe up to six months. If you want a caucasian baby, you’re looking at up to a year but closer to $50,000.” Now let’s break this down - 1. you are advertising for me (no matter what race); 2. you are doing the legal work (which is the same no matter what race); 3. you are doing the home study (that is the same no matter what race); 4. you are meeting with the expectant mom and counseling with her (or you’re supposed to be - no matter what race her baby is going to be) - So WHY does it vary in price?
Because they can. Adoption agencies have a monopoly on the adoption process and it’s influenced by race. They can turn a larger profit on the families preferring a specific race and that have the money to spend up to $50,000 on a baby. Honestly this is just the tip of a very deep iceberg that cannot be surmised in one blog post but let me relay one more story…
This past December we went through failed adoptive placement in Texas. Before we left for Texas from California, with hopes of bringing home our baby, our agency who would be handling some of our paperwork and social worker visits after we brought baby home asked us to pay them up front so that it would “streamline the process and allow us to get home with our baby faster.” Well anytime you use the word “faster” with an adoptive couple - they are going to do it. So we moved forward. We paid them $3600 for their services that would occur AFTER we brought baby home.
I was assured that if the placement failed we would have our money back within days. So we get home, empty handed, and I email our agency to tell them what happened and that I needed my refund. I get an email back that it will be in my account by the end of the week. I don’t see it. I wait another week. Still nothing. I reach out to the agency and they say “It was approved, you should have it by the end of this week, we promise.” The next day we get an email stating that they were closing their doors and filing bankruptcy.
Later I found out that they had known 90 days prior to closing their doors that they would be filing bankruptcy. I asked an attorney if that is even legal - How can they be taking people’s money if they know they are going out of business?? Unfortunately it is not illegal - just immoral. Luckily we only had $3600 tied up with them. Other families had tens of thousands of dollars that are now gone. One of our friends who has worked in the adoption industry and through her employer has placed many children for adoption has said to us, “I have thought about getting my private license to be able to facilitate and place children but the adoption industry is so corrupt on every level, that I feel like I can’t even be a part of it.” Unfortunately, there are no laws in place to protect adoptive couples from the wolves of the adoption industry.
4. Birth Mother Scams
I first want to preface that I don’t think that all expectant mothers who are considering adoption or planning on placing their child for adoption are in it to scam hopeful adoptive parents. I honestly believe that most expectant mom’s who are choosing to place their child are not money driven or looking for a way to have their expenses met. However, the risk for an adoptive couple is that they will be scammed by a “birth mother” who is simply using the adoption system to have her needs met during her pregnancy. This risk is very real and I have heard some very disturbing stories and have experienced this personally. So how does it work?
Depending on the laws of the state in which you are adopting from you are “allowed” to “assist” a birth mother with her needs when it comes to anything that might have to do with her pregnancy/adoption. Most states laws are pretty weak when defining what is “allowed” and what the “needs” can be defined as. For example in most states you are allowed to pay for housing, food, utility bills, clothing, transportation, cell phones or communication devices, toiletries, or any other “need” that arises while she is pregnant with your future child. I personally don’t have any issue paying for these needs and have in the past been happy to do it. Unfortunately, there is no legal commitment from the expectant mother to actually go through with the adoption - even if you, the adoptive couple, have paid for every single thing for nine months. She is not required to repay or return any part of the assistance that was given to her throughout the course of her pregnancy.
So you can probably see why this might be a beneficial route to take for an expectant mo who is struggling to make ends meet. This becomes a means to an end for her to be able to receive support without a definite commitment of having to place. It’s a challenging spot for adoptive families because there are 199 MILLION other families who can and will pay for all the expenses that she is in “need” of. So if you don’t feel comfortable paying these expenses in part or in full, you risk losing a possible placement. It’s all part of the “adoption game” as we call it at our house.
This is one of the biggest reasons that adoption becomes a huge risk, emotionally and financially.As an adoptive parent, you are putting everything you have in that one basket and praying and hoping that it becomes a reality without getting screwed in the process. Don’t get me wrong, I love birth moms and I love their desire to bless a family with a gift that is indescribable. They do something that most cannot and will not. I love them; however, I do feel that more can be done and laws can be written to protect adoptive parents from being taken advantage of. How I would propose to do that is for a different blog post.
5. It Takes a Mental and Emotional Toll on You, Your Marriage, and Your Family
Having a failed adoption takes a major toll on you emotionally, mentally, and even physically, and to be 100% honest - gives you a little Adoption PTSD. Just the adoption process in general does it too, even if you are successful. My husband and I have processed each loss differently (which I would imagine is typical since we are different genders) and since no two people experience loss exactly the same way this created opportunities for us to work on our communication skills (the silver lining to adoption loss). It has been a lot of hard work and long tear-filled talks, and a lot of trying to understand your spouses perspective which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t work as well. It’s messy and hard. Just the other day while we were driving my husband grabs my hand and says, "This has to be our last time we go through the adoption process. I can't watch you go through this anymore."
One thing we didn’t fully understand is what it would be like for our son. He really really wants a “baby sister” and talks about her all the time.This isn’t something that we have put into his mind (Thanks Daniel Tiger!). We have lots of friends and families who have multiple children and he asks us about his friends and their sisters and brothers. He went with us to Texas in December to hopefully pick up his sibling and as much as we try to protect him from the loss of adoption we also have to prepare him that we might be bringing a baby home. It’s tricky and harder than I thought it would be. So we are trying to process our own emotions and those of our son. It’s an emotional roller coaster from the moment you get the call to the moment you do or do not bring home baby. It continues each time your child asks you for a sibling or asks "Are we going to the hospital to pick up baby sister today?"
I recently wrote a post about how even if you have a feeling like the adoption is not going to go through - you still have to proceed, for your own sanity. What I mean by that is that if you don’t follow it until the end (the end being either you are placed or not) you could always wonder “what if.” What if she decides to place last minute and I had already walked away? What if she is really being sincere and this is just my Adoption PTSD talking? There are just so many doubts and so many questions throughout the whole process that it’s hard to navigate what is real and what isn’t. It's a stressful, mind consuming process where you have little to no control and you really just have to prepare mentally at the beginning that you may never make it to the top to see that beautiful vista.
SO WHY ADOPTION?!
I know as you read this you are probably thinking – WHY would you ever go down this route with the odds being so low, risk of corruption being high and to top it off the emotional roller coaster? You must be crazy. Yes we are that…..but we have also experienced the joy and love and overwhelming sense of gratitude for a birth mom who did place and who did make our hearts full. Our adoption journey has been traumatic and heartbreaking and soul wrenching and I would never wish it upon anyone, but it has also been miraculous, eye opening, soul fulfilling and any other adjective that you could use to describe a little slice of heaven here on earth. We have seen God’s hand prepare a specific child to come to our home by putting people and jobs and houses and opportunities in our lives that would never have come any other way under any other circumstance. Adoption has ruined us and has dragged our faith and our marriage through the pits of hell but has made us stronger and grateful and fulfilled.
We know without a shadow of a doubt that we have more children coming to our family. We know that God has a plan and that we will be able to look back and see His hand AGAIN as we find our next child. We know that we had an answer to prayer that extends beyond the knowledge that we have now and going down this adoption path is our way of trying our very best to have faith in Heavenly Father, in His plan and His answers.
